Theres more to death than losing someone you love so deeply.

Theres more to a death than losing someone you love so deeply.
There is what it does to you..

It starts with the grieving after you get over the shock of it all. The grieving is among the most vulnerable of phases. Some seek sympathy, some seek attention, some find new people to love. Some try to find comfort in other things.. God, devotion, music, habits develop, substances take over.
There has been some change. It makes you adapt to the change. To reinvent yourself.

Then it takes you over the philosophical thinking spree. It makes you think about the bigger picture of it all.. About why are we here really, whether we stay only till we have a task to accomplish, and are summoned back when its done. If its all about tasks, why must emotions be thrown in. Why must it hurt to let go. Wouldn’t it be easier to be some kind of a programmed entity like just characters of a matrix.. Theres someone I know who could pitch in a whole thesis at this point of my blog. I miss that someone. His smile makes me smile.

Another thing, worse still, is sometimes it just makes you shut yourself to any kind of sensitivity at all. You just close yourself, every emotional pathway between the world and you. You block off everything that makes you vulnerable, every ion of you that that could bleed of hurt, you shut it altogether. And step back into the world in an invisible suit of armor, shielding every inch of your mortal, not-entirely-human self, to become a mechanical, rational, logic & duty bound creature.
A creature I must term you, since you now have blocked the sense to ‘feel’ any ‘emotion’. Since you now refuse any ‘expression’ of ‘emotion’. Since you downright reject every hint of 'emotion'. Since you don't find it unusual or strange. It is your second skin, devoid emotion.

The worst target of it all is somehow still not you. It is someone who will love this creature assuming it is human. It is someone who will fear being bruised, yet scrape herself, each time with a renewed hope to break through the armour and touch the human within. It is someone who will try everything possible awaiting to evoke some response. It is someone who will unconsciously know that it is a wait to be disillusioned.
A wait to eventually transform into the creature herself.

Theres more to a death than losing someone you love so deeply.

Death.

God saw her getting tired,
a cure not meant to be..

Theres no explanation as to why it must happen, why to the ones we love the most, why now, when everything was beautiful, when there was so much for them to see, why in a manner so painful..
Theres no comforting to the fact that they're just gone.. So far away that theres no turning back, theres no finding them, no calling, no mails, no msgs, nothing. Nothing. Just vanished off the planet, leaving only memories.. Pile loads of memories.

You'd give anything for them to have been in godforsaken Alaska if possible.. You'd travel a hundred days in sweltering heat and bone numbing cold if you had to, just to catch a glimpse of that face, for a touch of that hand, for a word in that voice, for just about anything about the person.
There are no answers to a thousand questions buzzing in your head. No calm to the hollowness you feel inside. No cure when u feel sick in the stomach everytime the thoughts come up. Noone makes up for their presence. Nothing soothes you, nothing helps. All the friends, the relatives, the condolence, the thoughtful gestures, the support, the prayers, everything makes you wonder why doesn’t it make you feel any better at all. Why couldn't you just have the person back instead.. No explanation. No answers.
I’m here to comfort you, with everything I am.
What scares me, is just not being enough.

I don’t know how to console you,
I don’t know what to say...

God saw her getting tired,
a cure not meant to be,
so He put his arms around her,
and whispered... 'Come with Me'

"Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind.
Its a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love. "

Hit Myself Again.

Today I hit myself again
Nothing hurt, but something bled
Something made me wish i were dead
I remember it all
I cant forget
I remember every moment
It makes me retch

Saw in those eyes a love untold
Felt the hug and lost control
Turned around and bared my soul
Don't remember a silence ever so cold
It was about something i shouldn't have told
Back to square one
Hello ground zero
I'm back again hoping it will better tomorrow
Its something about silent men
Made me hit myself today again

Heard the words inside my head
Wished they were from his lips instead
I waited a second, a minute, an hour
Then realized, had lost what i was looking for
What is the height of torture
What is the depth of pain
Go ahead, ask me..
I felt it again.

It hurts to hear a silence so loud
It hurts to be alone in a crowd
It hurts to go on monotonously
Thinking of what a bitch life can be
It hurts to touch someone asleep
To know he is not yours to keep
It hurts to fall asleep in tears
It hurts to live through all your fears
It hurts to always hide behind a smile
When you cant forget, not even for awhile
But it hurts the most when you simply know
It sometimes best to just let go
Paradise lost, back to pain
Felt it all when i hit myself again.