No no.. Its not like a blade cut or a sudden stab of pain.. Not like a sudden slice of skin or a sting either, not even a paper-cut really. Its more like this dull ache, that keeps making its presence felt every once in awhile when you flex that muscle.. Or maybe even like that scar you have on your eyebrow, that you sometimes wish were not there, so you had like a flawless face.. And then half the time you don't even think of it cuz you're so used to it now. And some days you love it cuz it makes you You.
The scar embedded in your skin.. Which was this blinding pain, a spurt of blood one day, and the sewing up that was just pure agony.. And then there was the healing, and now its just a scar.. That you sometimes wish were not there.. But its here to stay then.
Silent, muffled, embedded reminders.. Memoirs of something you'd rather not remember. A persistent dull ache that doesn't wanna leave yet. That sneaks up upon you when you're least prepared..
Like when you're talking to someone on a lazy afternoon on some random day, all casual & relaxed and you're suddenly aware of how crazy you are about this person.. The smile, the expressions, the words, every word, the familiar jokes, the timed taunts, the nudges, the touch, you can even remember the feel of his skin against your fingertips.. Just about everything about this person is etched in you.. You suddenly feel like everything around you has come to a standstill. You read the eyes, you watch the lips move, you know the words, but all you hear is the silence in your head. Numbing silence.
The numbing silence of echoes of a muffled scream. A paradox in its most naked form. Where the moment of realization is so intensely chilling that its like a frozen scream in your head. Loud enough to send a shiver down your spine, yet silent enough to hear your own voice echo inside your head.
And the only thing that registers besides the silence in your head, is how unaware or completely ignorant of all this the person is.. How you're in this trance (for probably the 5317th time now) and the person hasn't even noticed. He moves on.. Like every other time. Quite oblivious to whats happening inside of you.. Like every other time.
And its not a stab of realization anymore, its this morphed hurt thats been there so long now, that its almost become a part of you. Its been there so long now, that it would scare you of insanity setting in, if you don't feel it often enough. Its become that feeling that lets you know that you can still feel. That you are still alive inside. That there is still something left to die. That there is still some vulnerability inside you. That sooner or later it will be discovered. That you will scream again, silently inside yourself. And another echo of another muffled scream will stay behind. And sneak up upon you once more, when you're least prepared.
Like when you're talking to someone on a lazy afternoon on some random day.....
